Polyamorous is who?

For a while, I've looked at myself, my past, my interactions; trying to figure out what was wrong with me. Because there has to be something right? According to society, how I prefer to live is wrong. I'm talking about monogamy. I can't stand it. I didn't realize this when I was younger. In 2nd grade I had 2 boys that I considered my boyfriends, and all 3 of us hung out all the time, kissing, etc. In middle school, before I had my first kiss, I thought it was acceptable to have an online boyfriend and an in real boyfriend. I did nothing with either of them, besides just talk, but I considered both of them my boyfriends. When I actually started having real boyfriends in high school, I was mildly flirtatious while I was dating, but I didn't notice it as a bad thing, since I didn't tend to date good guys in the first place. That's another story tho. Another several stories... regardless I did actually cheat on a guy in high school. I had only been with him for 2 weeks.

By high school I had already noticed I didn't really like relationships. I had a thing that "I would only be in a relationship if it would hurt more to be with out the guy than it would to be with him." There was one guy I really wanted to be with after I had already made the above statement. He cheated on 3 girls with me. He kept telling me he was going to date me, and he never did. He kept saying he was going to break up with them and be with me. It never happened. I had linked this to maybe be why I am now, but when I really think about it, I was like this before him too.

All parts of semi normal high school experience. Nothing "broke" me to be what I am now, but these are the things I look at and wonder if some how I'm this scared damaged person.

I can keep going about my middle school experiences endlessly. How I was rejected in 5th grade when I liked 1 guy for the year and then in 6th grade I liked 2 boys since it was hurt less when one was mean to me because I'd think of the other. How my boyfriend in 8th grade was bi and we'd talk about boys we found cute together.

I can't say what caused this, if I would have always been this way, but I'm tired of people making me feel like a bad person for not wanting to be exclusive with one person.

I had started rejecting numerous guys saying "I don't want a relationship," but I had no problem kissing them, and other boys, in the same month, week, or even day.

My friends at the time when I was 17 made me feel like I had a problem. They had me promise them that I wouldn't be like that no more unless I was in a relationship or went on a date with the guy. After about half a year, a guy actually started asking me on dates. He turned out to be engaged and I had to talk to his "ex" fiance about my encounters with him. I went back to being with no one after that. In about another 6 months I met another guy, in order to keep the promise of not kissing some one that I wasn't in a relationship with, I sort of rushed us into a relationship after a month of seeing each other. I was very loyal to him and wasn't with anyone else. He turned out to be cheating on me the entire time.

I had tried to push away this side of me for a very very long time, and it lead me no where good. What I really think happened, is I decided to embrace this side of me. I'm happy being with more than one person. I'm happy with the freedom TO be with another person, even if I'm not with another person. This is how I want to be, for now.

I've suggested being in an open relationship with one person, he didn't like that idea too much. Not many people do, I see it work well with others but I haven't met many people okay with it that I would be in to. I suddenly understand the gay/trans community much more. Feeling the need to fit into society and conform, but knowing that's just not how you are. I'm happy being me, but I'm unhappy it's not as accepted. One day, I feel as if I will conform, and get married, become exclusive with the person I have kids with, but I'd want to be one of those chill couples who can have opposite gender friends, go out and dance with whoever, but only because there's so much love and trust between us. But I know that me as of right now, isn't ready for that lifestyle. It's a weird type of claustrophobia that I can't explain.  But just as gay people don't choose to be gay, I don't choose to be this way.  I have very very, badly, and sloppily turned it away on occasion when I've been really into a guy and thought it would be the only way he would be into me back.

Because of all of this, I've been single for four years. I feel like I'm hurting people constantly, I try to explain to people who I am and for whatever reason they always think that they're going to be "different" and that suddenly they'll turn off that part of my brain that is who I am. When that part of other people's brains turn off when they find some one, mine doesn't, mine keeps going.

I feel like I can't really tell anyone though, because of being laughed at or judged.

Thoughts to be continued.

Inside Disposition over Outside Attraction

Personality Comes First

Often you hear of people who started out "unattractive" and then became "attractive" usually through hard work. Then people started liking them. These type of people grew up believing that looks are what is important. However, I grew up the other way. People didn't like my personality. I had social flaws that shined brightly. Thus, people treated me like I didn't have feelings, or like they enjoyed hurting them. After spending a great deal of time of observing and studying people. I brought out the good in me and created a socially acceptable person. People actually treat me like I'm human now. There are people who believe that looks are everything. But I know first hand that they aren't. Renember to work on your personality and health, before working on your looks.

Disorders, Terminology, & Self-evaluation

Psychology Interests

Everyone's brain is different

But most are arranged neatly

Sometimes, something gets out of the order that the average brain is

When a lot of people have a similar arrangement that is unusual to the original

It's called a disorder

And given a name

Much like a lamp is something with a stand, a light bulb, and a shade

No one says look at my "stand light bulb and shade" because it has a name.

Although there are some disorders in the brain that don't have a name, so the only way people can explain it is by saying "I do this thing sometimes and I don't know why"

And the absence of a label doesn't make it nonexistent.
For example. Bi-polar disorder is the change from depression, to normal, to mania. All separate from each other.
There are other disorders just labeled depression.
However, there isn't a disorder for just mania. Even tho if one half of bi-polar can exsist on its own, couldn't the other half? Many believe so.

I've thought myself to have this.
Although, with this particular example, some believe mania like symptoms to just be part of ADHD, which I know I have. Although it's weird, because ADHD doesn't have anything mania related in its symptoms. However it is said that most people with ADHD have at least one other co-occuring disorder. It's researched that 18% of people with ADHD also have a mood disorder. So it's highly possible that mania and ADHD are separate and that that percentage would be higher if mania was its own categorical disorder.

Essentially it comes down to, people will be how they are, because that's just how their brain is. Label or not.
A person who doesn't have a disorder may not understand why some people don't just "try harder" to not be the way they are. Or they may think that they can fix it themselves in other people. The disorders with labels and a large amount of treatments, that help them function, but no cures. Their brain will learn how to function WITH its difference, not get rearranged to a standard functioning brain. Their brains difference, their disorder, whatever you want to call it, will always be with them.


I could end this here, but I got on this for 2 reasons. 1: Is to promote treating everyone kindly, and not getting frustrated at people for their actions. 2: my own behavior has caused me to get curious.

The brain is a mysterious object. And black and white statements can usually be proven wrong. A study has showed that regions in the brain mature later in children with ADHD on top of the chemical differences. I can attest to this because I've always been behind everyone my age. Some people's brain, about half, catch up to the others in adulthood. Why some people keep their symptoms is unknown. It's possible that my brain is one of those brains that is catching up, going to, already has? And that specific doorway that welcomes in other disorders along with ADHD might accompany it. I've been a lot different lately. It's possible that if I once had mania, that it's leaving, and that that's why I feel so affected by emotions. Something has always been up with my moods, I've always been ridiculously happy. If I told people everything that's happened in my life, they'd be confused why I was so happy. I'm not sure if it's a manic disorder, or something else, but it is/was definitely abnormal. Yet my emotions are more feelable now, to the point of physically hurting when they happen. I'll have to continue observation of myself.